HMS Paradise
by YarrKinky
Summary: When Kakashi’s injured, Iruka reads him his favorite book. A look into the world of Icha Icha, full of not so subtle innuendos, cross dressers, pirates... And some oddly familiar characters... Co written by HeyDiddleDiddle and WinterOfOurDiscontent.
1. Chapter 1

Authors: Hey-Diddle-Diddle and WinterOfOurDiscontent

Genre: Humor/Romance

Rating: PG-13/T

Summary: When Kakashi's injured, Iruka reads him his favorite book. Full of not-so-subtle innuendos and cross dressers, with a dash of pirates and ships on the side.

Italics are the conversations between Kakashi and Iruka, by the way.

The authors are not responsible for any pirate lingo which may result from the reading of this fic.

!-!-!

"_Hey."_

"_Hey."_

"_Tsunade finally gave me permission to see you." _

"_How bad do I look?"_

"_You look fine."_

"_Liar."_

"_How bad is it?"_

"_Not as bad as I look. The worst is that I've overused my Sharingan and hurt the other eye."_

"_That's why…"_

"_Yeah. I'll need to keep them both covered for a week."_

"_Oh. Well, that's not so bad, is it?"_

"_Could've been worse."_

"…_Kakashi?"_

"_Yeah, Ruka?"_

"_Is there anything you want?"_

"_Well…"_

"_What is it?"_

"_Nothing, really."_

"_No, what?"_

"_You wouldn't…"_

"_You're injured. Of course I would. Promise. What is it?"_

"_Sex?"_

"_Only you would think of sex at a time like this."_

"_Hey, I'm pretty sure Genma would. And don't forget about Jiraiya…and Anko's just…"_

"_Okay, way more than I needed to know."_

"_Iruka…"_

"_You're INJURED. And we're in a HOSPITAL. A PUBLIC SPACE."_

"_That didn't stop you a month ago in the classroom…and that was when the kids weren't back from lunch yet."_

"_You promised you wouldn't mention that. Look, no sex 'til you're better, okay? But anything you want…OUTSIDE of a sexual act…I'll do. Promise."_

"_Fine. Read to me? I'm bored."_

"_Of course I can. Why… no…"_

"_But Ruka…"_

"_I am not reading Icha Icha Paradise out loud!"_

"_But the latest volume just came out…"_

"_No."_

"_You promised…"_

"…_fine. But I'm shutting the door. The last thing I need is the whole hospital hearing this."_

"_I love you."_

"_You'd better."_

The dread pirate Scarecrow was standing at the prow of his very big ship, silver hair blowing in the breeze. His poofy white shirt was hanging open and his muscles gleamed in the sun, moving silkily under pale, alabaster skin. He was wearing skin-tight leather pants which showed off his incredible...assets. The assets were very assety, but I digress.

Through his spyglass he could see the distant ships of the King's Navy, led by Captain Guy. Scarecrow, however, could not be bothered by these obviously inferior vessels and instead turned his glass towards a small merchant vessel on the horizon.

"Avast!" he cried, because all dread pirates cry 'avast.' "I see a merchant vessel, over yonder!"

And having wowed the crew with his impressive knowledge of all things piratical, he ordered the scurvy dogs to head the ship towards their prey.

"Scurvy dogs! Head the ship towards our prey!" And the scurvy dogs, which were literally just that, did so, bounding about the ship on their little seasick paws. Though it should be noted that only the latter half of that statement was accurate, as the dread pirate captain made sure his crew ate a balanced diet, including, but not limited to: NutraNinDog, Woof'n'Bark, and some kinds of oranges. But again, I digress.

Meanwhile, aboard the HMS Plot Device, two of the passengers were huddled below decks, attempting to avoid being hit by the dread pirate's very large, shiny cannonballs, which were almost as large and shiny as... Ahem.

"Dolphin, sir?"

"Yes, Fishcake?"

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"It's brilliant, Fishcake."

"It's just... these petticoats are really starting to chafe."

"That's not the only thing chafing."

"But we both know that even if Lord Snake found us, he would never look twice at females."

"That's why it's a brilliant idea, Fishcake."

Sadly for these two, while they were chafing the piratical dogs and their gorgeous captain had managed to kill, subdue, or shove overboard the crew of the merchant vessel.

"Avast!" cried Scarecrow, again. "Look, my scurvy dogs, upon what booties...I mean, bounties...yes, what bounties we've captured. And there's gold, too." Not that it mattered, because the dread pirate captain Scarecrow is also a nobleman, but that's a story for another day.

Dolphin was, of course, horrified to be captured by the dangerous yet dead sexy pirate captain. "You... you're the dread pirate Scarecrow! The wanted posters don't do you justice."

"I know," Scarecrow said gravely, his biceps pulsing.

Shoving Fishcake behind his voluminous skirts for protection, Dolphin glared at his captor. "However, if you have an evil plan to ravish a poor, defenseless female, it won't work!"

"Oh yes," Scarecrow said lustily, stroking his shiny, silver hair, "it will."

"No, it won't."

"Yes, it will."

"No no no."

"Yes yes yes."

"No!"

Scarecrow took a step closer. "Give me one good reason I shouldn't ravish you." He took another step. Then another. It not being that big a room, he was soon almost upon the hapless Dolphin.

"Because...because... Because I am not a maiden?" Dolphin was staring, entranced, at Scarecrow's eyes, which may or may not be blue, or red, or black. Heck, one of them may have not even been visible. No one's quite sure.

Scarecrow, for his part, was growing increasingly intrigued by the woman's defiant spirit and luscious lips. "Now, now, it's okay if you've been around a bit. After all, it's unfair to hold women to a different standards of sexual conduct than men. Besides, you'll probably have picked up a few tricks." Scarecrow wiggled his visible eyebrow suggestively.

_"A few diseases, more like it."_

Dolphin sniffed derisively. "A few diseases, more like it."

_"Keep reading, we're not to the good part yet." _

_"There's a good part? And how would you know?" _

_"Umm...I'm guessing?"_

However, the Dread Pirate Scarecrow was not to be deterred. Because what no one knew... was that he was still a virgin, determined to save himself for his true love. Well then. At this point Fishcake poked out from behind Dolphin's voluminous skirts.

"Because we're boys!"

"Of course you're...what?"

"Eh... what he's trying to say is... we're men. In disguise." Ha, thought Dolphin. Surely they'd be safe now.

Now Scarecrow wasn't flabbergasted, because dread pirate captains are never flabbergasted. No, Scarecrow took all this in stride quite well. "Are you now? Avast, my scurvy dogs, we've found crossdressers. Yarr. Kinky. Of course, the lack of cleavage should have tipped me off... Well, that and the stubble."

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to shave aboard a ship?" Dolphin asked, indignant. "It rolls back and forth... Anyway, you can't ravish me 'cause I'm not a girl, so there. Nyah." He stuck out his tongue for emphasis. A tongue that, had Scarecrow been a lesser man, would have been ravished, male tongue or not. Then again, Scarecrow is a pirate.

Ah, to hell with it. Scarecrow crushed Dolphin to his chest and proceeded to plunder, in classic pirate fashion, Dolphin's slightly-more-willing-as-each-second-passed mouth.

"Yarr," Scarecrow said thoughtfully when he pulled away from the most plundered mouth. "Yarr." The mouth may have even been looted with a hint of pillaging, Scarecrow being such a talented pirate. Dolphin's bosom-less bosom heaved in a most comely manner.

_We pillage, we plunder, we loot, we steal..._ Ahem. Fishcake was watching Scarecrow with almost freakishly large eyes, obviously impressed with the pirate's many talents. Then he remembered that it was too early in the story for him to not be indignant, and began swinging at Scarecrow.

"I don't care if you ARE a big scary pirate, no one messes with Master Dolphin!"

And Scarecrow, being the big, loveable lug he was, held the boy at arm's length. Fishcake could swing as much as he wanted, but he couldn't reach those abs made of steel, that skin of ivory, that face that was similar to some Greek statues. Well, Greek statues that happened to have the lower half of their faces covered.

"Ah, I'd almost forgotten about you." Scarecrow's visible eye curved into a smile as he handily picked up Fishcake by the scruff of his dress and lifted him into the air. "Of course, you're too young to ravish, and you're not much good for anything else, so we'll have to dump you overboard."

Dolphin flew into a rage. Bosom still heaving, he flung himself at Scarecrow, face flushed a rather tempting red. "You put him down, you...you... you pirate!" That'll tell him.

Scarecrow then had one of the brilliant flashes of insight and perversion that made him such a great pirate. "Oh? And what'll you do if I don't? More importantly, what will you do to get me to keep him?" He then leered, a leer made more impressive by the mask that hid it but still somehow made it clear he was, in fact, leering. It must be noted that he had ravaged Dolphin's mouth with the mask up, a feat not easily accomplished. Now, back to the matter at hand... Dolphin was obviously made of good, strong, moral fiber, since he never flinched from that leer. Instead, he straightened up, brushing invisible specks from his skirts. "Well, sir, I make a great soufflé."

A-_hah_! Scarecrow had Dolphin right where he had him. "Soufflé?" he asked in great lusty tones, dangling Fishcake. "Is that all?"

Dolphin blinked. "It's very hard to get a soufflé light and fluffy, I'll have you know. What about cheesecake?"

In response, Scarecrow dragged Fishcake over to the edge of the ship and dangled him over the probably shark-infested waters.

"Mousse!" Dolphin cried desperately, reaching out surprisingly well manicured hands for Fishcake. "Chocolate mousse, with this sauce that's to die for."

Scarecrow continued holding Fishcake aloft. Below, sharks began to circle, while on the decks the crew barked. It may have been a "no, leave the kid be" bark or they may have been egging the captain on, it was hard to say.

"Treasure! The Fourth Fire Shadow's treasure."

Now, the Dread Pirate Scarecrow was a practical man. And he knew that as a pirate, the next best thing to booty was... well... booty. "The legendary treasure of the Fourth Fire Shadow?" Even the crew were silenced by mention of this mighty hoard. "Really?"

"Yes, yes. I have the map." Dolphin reached for Fishcake. "Give him back to me and I'll lead you to the treasure."

"Deal." Scarecrow could seduce the pants...err.. petticoats... off the hapless Dolphin later. He was about to set Fishcake down when it occurred to him that that might work better if he brought him back over the railing first, and considering the way Fishcake was screaming and clinging to his arm, the boy agreed, too.

"He tried to kill me!" Fishcake shrieked.

Scarecrow finally succeeded in shaking the boy off of his arm and onto the deck and Dolphin pounced, grabbing the petticoat-clad boy and shuffling him back behind his own skirts.

"You could have killed him!" Dolphin said, most indignant. Yes, indignant was a good look on him, though Scarecrow was betting "just-been-ravished" would be even better, second only to "about-to-be-ravished," with "totally-debauched" running a close third.

"So... about that treasure..."

"Go west, young man. I mean, east. Yes, east. Oh, and could we borrow some clothing? These are really starting to chafe."

"Yeah, they'll do that... or so I've heard. In passing. From a friend." Smooth, real smooth. "But you'll have to earn your keep aboard this ship. Master... Dolphin, you'll be the ship's cook." For while it was true you couldn't ask for a more loyal crew than dogs, the lack of opposable thumbs did have a few drawbacks. And when one of them got fleas, they all did. "And you..."

"Fishcake."

"Yes, Fishcake. You can be the cabin boy. Fishcake can sleep in the cabin boy's quarters."

"What about me?" Dolphin asked, very rightly concerned.

"Well, there really aren't much in the way of accommodations, we are a pirate vessel. I'm afraid you'll have to bunk down with me. Don't worry... it's a big bed."

"Are you sure there isn't any place else?" Dolphin asked, his voice high enough pitched now to match the outfit.

"Well, the crew usually sleep below decks in a big pile... but I should warn you, I think one of them's got fleas..."

"Why can't I stay with Fishcake, then?"

"Sorry, union rules."

It should be noted that the Union of Cabin Boys was noted for being far more ruthless than any of the pirate ships they crewed on, in consequence of being run by a bunch of young, often attractive boys forced to survive aboard ships of rough, rowdy, and desperate men. This is why not even the Dread Pirate Scarecrow would dare mess with them.

"So...I'm sleeping with you?" Dolphin asked, and when Scarecrow began leering about five seconds later the petticoated man began seriously contemplating the air-speed velocity he'd get jumping over the rail. After all, he was named Dolphin, shouldn't that give him some innate ability to swim or something? ...then he remembered that no, his parents had just been ragingly anachronistic hippies...whose bad habits, especially with regards to managing the family estate, were a large part of the reason he was now stuck on a stupid boat being leered at by a dread pirate captain. Damn, he'd been so close, too.

Leer leer. Leer. Scarecrow threw in another leer for good measure. "Well, Master Dolphin, shall we?"

Dolphin sighed. It was definitely not his month. "Come on, Fishcake, let's go get pants on." And so saying, the two hapless crossdressers bounded over the railing on the other side of the ship, where it was lashed to Scarecrow's vessel. Scarecrow followed along, hips swaying oh-so-nicely, derriere sashaying in a very manly way, and so everyone ended up back on Scarecrow's ship, which then started heading east.

"I have pants that should fit you, Master Dolphin. They're my spare set, of course, but surely you'll have no objection to being in my pants?"

Dolphin gaped at the captain. "In...your...pants?" Scarecrow gave a heart-stopping smile, beneath the mask, of course, and led the way to his cabin.

"Of course, in my pants."

Before he knew it, Dolphin found himself in the captain's bunk, a pair of leather pants in his hands. "These?" he squeaked most endearingly.

"Of course, my dear Dolphin." Scarecrow leered and sashayed his way back out, leaving the distraught man to stare disbelievingly at the leather pants he held.

"But... we're surrounded by saltwater! These are completely impractical!" the confused Dolphin could be heard to wail.

A good five minutes and several loud curses later, Dolphin left the cabin, awkwardly waddling onto the deck. How the blazes Scarecrow fit into these pants, Dolphin would never know. He felt as though all the blood had been cut off to his more...important...bits, and he was finding it increasingly difficult to breathe.

When Scarecrow saw the young Dolphin, clad in his pants, he found it difficult to breathe, too. Once again, he was glad his entire crew consisted of canines, otherwise he might have had a time, even as their brave captain, keeping them off of the luscious Dolphin

"These are...very... tight..." Dolphin complained.

"I know," sighed Scarecrow, dreamily.

"And don't you have any spare shirts that aren't made of fishnet?" asked Dolphin.

"Afraid not. It's hard enough getting the dogs to put enough starch in the frills on my frilly shirt, without making them worry about additional laundry. But on the plus side, the pants do show off your ass... Erm, assets, rather well."

"But... how am I supposed to cook in these? I can't even bend over." And then, in a moment destined to be replayed over and over in the pirate captain's dreams, Dolphin decided to demonstrate his inability to bend over by attempting to do so.

_Down _went the Dolphin, _up _went something else.

It was at that moment, luckily for Dolphin and unluckily for absolutely everyone else, that Fishcake finally barged out of his tiny room below decks, now dressed in the typical uniform of a cabin boy.

"Master Dolphin, sir, I'm hungry! I can't be expected to go adventuring on an empty stomach!"

_"Do you have any leather pants, Ruka?"_

_"Get better quick, and I'll wear them for you. I can't believe this Icha Icha story, though... are they all like this?" _

_"No, some of them don't have a plot." _

_"...oh. And these names... 'Scarecrow' was bad enough, but 'Fishcake'!"_

_"I personally liked 'Dolphin.'"_

_"That's because he had on leather pants. I should go now. Tsunade says you need your rest, and she's scary when she's in healer-nin mode. I'll be back tomorrow morning. And unlike some of us, I can actually be on time." _

_"That was a low blow." _

_"It'd have to be, to reach the bit you think with."_

_"Meanie." _

_"Love you too, now get some rest. I'll read more tomorrow. If I have to."_

!-!-!

TBC

AN: This is a collaboration crack fic by Kiki and Winter, based on an Instant Messenger conversation that somehow went horribly, horribly wrong. If you'd like to read any of our non-collaboration fics, we're at Hey-Diddle-Diddle and WinterOfOurDiscontent, respectively.

Yarr.


	2. Chapter 2

Authors: Kiki (Hey-Diddle-Diddle) and WinterOfOurDiscontent

Genre: Humor/Romance

Rating: PG-13/T

Summary: When Kakashi's injured, Iruka reads him his favorite book. Full of not-so-subtle innuendos and cross dressers, with a dash of pirates and ships on the side.

Italics are the conversations between Kakashi and Iruka, by the way.

The authors are not responsible for any pirate lingo which may result from the reading of this fic.

* * *

_"Good morning!" _

_"'morning, Iruka. What time is it?" _

_"Ten on the dot. I traded shifts with one of the other teachers, so you've got me until afternoon classes begin."_

_"'m not usually up this early." _

_"I know... which is why I took the liberty of dropping by Team Seven's meeting place to let them know you'd be gone all week, and that they should go train instead of waiting around for you." _

_"You're no fun, you know that?"_

_"Oh really? Well in that case, I don't suppose you'll want what I brought you." _

_"I take it back, I take it all back, you're fun, you're loads of fun."_

_"That's better. Lift your head up." _

_"A pillow?" _

_"From home. I figured with your sense of smell, you'd sleep better with something that didn't smell like hospital." _

_"It smells like... you." _

_"Like us."_

_"You're wonderful." _

_"I know. You don't deserve me. Shall we continue with the story?" _

_"Please. I'll feel better knowing someone's going to get laid."_

"My lord!" a servant said, jogging up to Lord Snake. Snake was sitting upon his throne of crushed skulls, draped in silk and crushed velvet.

"Yes?" he purred in a voice that was pure evil, with a dash of sex on the side. His long, purplish tongue slid between the sensuous lips.

"My lord, Dolphin has escaped his parents' manor, and he's taken the boy with him."

"Damn you, you incompetent fools," Snake hissed...er, said calmly, as he strangled said incompetent fools. "You've just lost me my map, and a very nice piece of ass, to boot!" With a swish of his black velvet cloak, he stood, towered at his questionable height of five foot something inches.

"Die for your stupidity!" Strangle strangle, strangle. The servants, being well-trained evil servants, gurgled appropriately as they died.

Now, it should be noted that Lord Snake is very high in high society. His balls are events that everyone who's anyone attends, and he's known as the greatest authority on both torture and capital punishment in the entire kingdom. He also carries an uncanny resemblance to a snake. How ironic. But ironic as it is, he's in the complete good graces of the king, who happens to be a near-sighted old pervert. He is also in the good graces of the kingdom's matrons, who all live in perpetual hope he'll marry their offspring. A hope that the recently announced alliance between the de la Mer family and Lord Snake had only slightly dampened.

After all, the matrons were quick to whisper to each other as they sniffed derisively in that way that society matrons all seem to know how to do, the de la Mer family was practically penniless now. Meaning that all they really had to offer the Lord Snake was the luscious Sir Dolphin, who certainly was luscious, they had to agree. Even the old senile king had his eye on the young, agreeable heir. But while that was fine for a bit of crumpet on the side... sniff, sniff, sniff... surely Lord Snake could do better for a MARRIAGE. And thus hope sprung eternal in their cold, calculating little hearts. At any rate...

"Gah," the last servant gurgled before he conveniently fell down dead, and without staining the carpet, either.

"We must track that brat down!" Lord Snake screamed, in a manly and not at all high-pitched manner. "Servants..." And then he remembered he'd killed everyone in the room, and the walls were soundproofed. "Damn...not again…" And so saying, he pulled a string to ring the bell for new servants to come in and get the bodies. And bring in snacks. Killing always gave him the munchies, and he had an absolute passion for raspberries. Maybe with cream? He repressed a delicious little shiver and tapped his sharp, perfect little fingernails on his skull throne. If those servants didn't hurry up, he'd just kill them, too, and find him some new ones.

His tendency to go through servants at this rate being one of the reasons he needed to get his hands on the Fourth's treasure. It was so hard to find good hired help nowadays.

"Servants! Make sure the Royal Navy knows that Sir Dolphin has been... kidnapped... Along with his serving boy."

And so, like all evil overlords, he sat on his throne, munching on raspberries and cream as he listened to the screams of the damned. Occasionally he cackled. Just to keep in practice. It's always good to have the vocal cords warmed and ready for when he needed an evil laugh. After all, you never know when something brilliantly devious will pop into mind.

Like a few seconds later. "Wait a minute... I had almost forgotten my secret identity as an evil pirate! I can hunt the little tart down myself, then go after the treasure!" Cackle cackle. And just to make sure he kept his secret identity a secret, he killed his servants. Again. Then fled down to the Snake Cave, complete with an ominously billowing cloak. Cackle cackle.

Life aboard the dread pirate Scarecrow's ship had settled into a comfortable routine for Dolphin and Fishcake. Well, comfortable except for Dolphin's pants, which still chafed a bit, and Scarecrow's pants, which... you get the idea. The crew was impressed with the change in their captain. He'd never smelled so clean, what with all the cold, cold showers he'd been taking lately. And the crew would know, what with their canine sense of smell.

"So," Scarecrow leered conversationally one day, as he again headed into the kitchen to check on the cooking for the umpteenth time, "how'd a nice guy like you end up on a ship like this?"

"Erm... you took me prisoner?" Dolphin said, a little absentmindedly. He always found Scarecrow's presence distracting. Partially because the dread pirate captain had such a commanding, manly physique, with his smoothly muscled chest and ruffly shirts. Also because, frankly, the kitchen aboard the ship was very small, and when there were two people in it, Dolphin had to be careful not to run into anything.

Now, when there were two full-grown men and a dog, it was nearly impossible. Dolphin turned towards the captain, his arms wrapped around a bag of flour, and, eyes focused somewhere between Scarecrow's special bits and _more _special bits, tripped over said unseen dog. Wham, bam, thank you... Yes, well, the flour sack flew up out of Dolphin's arms, and down onto Scarecrow's head. And broad, muscled shoulders. And thick, sculpted chest. And on his _special bits_.

"Wack," Dolphin squeaked, undignified, from somewhere right below Scarecrow's waist. "Wack," he repeated, looking up.

"I'm...white..." Scarecrow said thoughtfully, looking at his hands. Of course, what with him having alabaster and ivory skin, he really didn't look that different, just a bit...dustier.

The crew dog, meanwhile, wisely snuck out of the room. That would certainly be the last time he went begging for scraps.

"I'm sorry," Dolphin said hurriedly, scrambling backwards so when he stood up, his face wouldn't be pressed into _that_. Scarecrow was a bit disappointed.

"It's fine," the captain waved his hand, "it's fine." Of course, it wasn't quite so fine when Dolphin ripped his shirt off, throwing his hair askew as the fabric came over his head.

"No, no, I'm sorry. Here, I'll clean it up." Dolphin dipped the shirt in a large barrel of water, pulling it up to wring the excess water from it. Scarecrow found a very, very happy place when the lithe muscles in Dolphin's tanned arms moved, pulling and pushing. Perhaps a cold bath was in order?

"Here." Dolphin scooted forward a few inches, which, in the small kitchen, practically put him in Scarecrow's arms. He set the wet shirt against Scarecrow's chest, ineffectively smearing the flour across the ruffly shirt. But now the captain was in a slowly-growing-wet shirt too.

"Umm," Scarecrow started, staring at Dolphin's messy hair, "I don't think that's helping. Maybe I'll just go...take a bath?" Yes, a very cold one.

The dread pirate captain began to take a step backwards, which he wouldn't have done, had he known that the _dog _was back. Of course, Scarecrow was a bit focused on the rather shirtless man in front of him, and so was completely oblivious of the dog. Wham, bam, and again someone tripped over the dog. Scarecrow reached out, grabbing Dolphin's arms as he fell, and before he knew it, he was lying on his back, a flushed and wet Dolphin lying on top of him and between his legs. Blink.

Blink. Blink.

"Well, this is awkward..."

"Yarr." Because dread pirate captains never admit when they're feeling awkward, even if they're blushing as much as their alabaster skin will allow them to blush. They also don't usually have undignified sneezing fits either.

Sadly for Scarecrow, this was not to be his day on hitherto untold levels, as he suddenly was overtaken by a rash of strong sneezes.

"Oh, we should get you out of those wet clothes!"

"Yaa...arrr...cho!" Which, Dolphin decided, probably meant yes. So Dolphin promptly began ridding Scarecrow of those horrible, horrible wet clothes. Scarecrow, very politely, didn't stop him. In fact, at one or two points he may have helped.

But only at one or two points.

Now, somewhere approximately one hundred miles to the west...

"Tell us the story again, Captain Guy!"

"In the springtime of my youth, there was virtuous and youthful prince, named--"

"Oh, but Captain Guy, you're still in the springtime of your youth." His cabin boy Pebble gazed up at his beloved captain, eyes round with adoration. And we mean round. Artists could have used them instead of compasses, that's how round and adoring they were. But we digress.

Captain Guy posed proudly, a gleaming silhouette in front of a burning sunset. Much like his burning desire for...well, then. There were sparkles too, but you probably don't want to hear about that. "He was handsome, almost as handsome as me. We grew up together in the palace, spending our youthful vigor on training... er... more training... swordplay and statesmanship and ... things." He smiled at the mention of 'things,' a gleam of white teeth that sent shivers running through his captive, and we mean captive, audience.

"He adored me, so of course it came as no surprise when our fathers decided to have us betrothed. My family had the money and power to help protect the throne, and of course, I came with it. But such was his virtue that even after the announcement, he would not even allow me to kiss him until we were wed." At this point, he changed poses.

"Ah, what a virtuous youth he was! But alas, it was not meant to be." And the pose changed again, this time to a sorrowful one, complete with slumped shoulders and clasped hands.

"For soon before the wedding, he traveled far away... something about having his hair done... And his ship never returned."

The audience gasped in as much astonishment as they could muster, having heard the story a few dozen times by now. His faithful cabin boy did the story justice by bursting into tears. "Oh, how brave you are to continue after such suffering!"

"Pebble!" Captain Guy clutched his cabin boy, weeping manly tears. "So now you (again) see why we must track down the dread pirate Scarecrow! For besides being a pirate, and thus by definition a bad guy, I suspect him of having something to do with my beloved's disappearance!"

"Oh, my prince -----!" Cling cling. Weep. Pose. Gleam. Sparkle.

* * *

AN: We're back. We're alive. No, we haven't forgotten. We've just been...a little distracted. But it's here! And just in time for Christmas, so Happy Holidays to all of you, from both of us. 

Thanks to Meleth78 for the pillow reference. Thanks to our reviewers. You make writing a joy.

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Diwali! Happy Bodhi Day! Happy Kwanza! Happy Celebrations for Everyone!


	3. Chapter 3

Authors: Kiki (Hey-Diddle-Diddle) and WinterOfOurDiscontent

Genre: Humor/Romance

Rating: PG-13/T

Summary: When Kakashi's injured, Iruka reads him his favorite book. Full of not-so-subtle innuendos and cross dressers, with a dash of pirates and ships on the side.

Italics are the conversations between Kakashi and Iruka, by the way.

The authors are not responsible for any pirate lingo which may result from the reading of this fic.

* * *

Well then. One hundred miles back east, Dolphin was redressing himself, and Scarecrow was taking a very, very cold bath. In the same room, of course. 

"Are you sure you should be taking a cold bath?" Dolphin asked worriedly, slowly sliding a shirt on. Very slowly. "I mean, you seem to be catching a cold, and doesn't it seem a bit silly to take a cold bath?"

Scarecrow was sitting in the tub, legs crossed carefully, hands lying in his lap. He shivered, then gave Dolphin a forced smile. "No, no, it's fine. Feels lovely, in this weather. And a cold bath is a well-known remedy for colds. Toughens you up." And then he sneezed again.

"Well, can I at least give you a backrub when you get out? Your muscles must be sore from taking the brunt of that fall." And Dolphin turned around to smile kindly at Scarecrow, his shirt hanging open, pants partly undone. Scarecrow shifted in the tub and pulled his knees up, hiding certain...bits, thinking perhaps ice cubes in the water might help, and perhaps they could start sailing more to the north... MUCH more to the north.

"Of...of course," Scarecrow said feebly, wondering just how it was possible for Dolphin to become more undressed when he was supposed to be getting dressed. Perhaps it was a gift? Well, at least his hair was still up. No, wait, Dolphin was reaching up to the hair tie... Scarecrow averted his eyes, but not quickly enough. Dolphin shook his head, dark locks shimmering in the dark cabin. How they shimmered, no one would ever be able to say, but they did.

"Yes... well... would you mind terribly averting your eyes while I get out?"

"Of course not," Dolphin said, shirt slipping off one shoulder. And then the other.

How does he DO that, Scarecrow pondered, before getting out of the freezing cold water, toweling off quickly, then laying down on the bed face down. "Alright," he said, voice muffled and somewhat strained. He'd have changed into sleep clothes, only he didn't have any, never having needed them before. Besides, after a day in the leather trousers, it was nice to let it all hang out. Well, had been, before he'd picked up Dolphin.

Speaking of the mammal... Dolphin blushed from somewhere across the small room. "Umm...you...you're...that is..." This, of course, coming from the man who's less than half-dressed himself.

"I assumed you wanted me to leave the shirt off."

"And..." Dolphin coughed, then continued gamely ahead. "And the pants?"

"I thought they'd be inconvenient..." And a bitch to put on, in his state. Hadn't he chafed enough already? Even a dread pirate had his limits.

"Oh... well, I suppose you're right..." And so saying, the nervous Dolphin, still only half dressed, crossed the room to the bed. The very large bed. He touched his fingertips to Scarecrow's strong, muscular back carefully, touching the bulging muscles. Bulge. Bulge. His unease forgotten as he warmed to the familiar task, Dolphin lifted a leg on to the bed, now straddling Scarecrow's back as he continued kneading the muscles. The sore, taut muscles that lay under the smooth marble skin. And something else bulged. Bulge. Bulge.

"You know, I used to give massages all the time. Everyone swore they felt better afterwards. They'd always get this healthy glow. Why, some people would come by almost every day, until my parents put a stop to it." Dolphin leaned forward, really putting his back, and the rest of his body, into his work. "My great aunt taught me. I grew up on her estates... I'd never even been to court until recently." Scarecrow made a noise that probably meant 'please, continue your story, it fascinates me.'

"Why, she used to give massages to the king. And sometimes, even to Prince -----"

Scarecrow sneezed, the jerking movement pushing him up against Dolphin's youthful, lithe body. Bulge.

"Your aunt is Dame Rope?" And Scarecrow seemed to tense up for a second before once again succumbing to Dolphin's skilled movements.

"Why... yes." Dolphin said, surprised. "How did you know?"

"I'm a dread pirate captain, we hear things."

"Well, if you heard that dreadful ballad, don't believe a word of it." Dolphin sniffed dismissively. "I happen to know she's allergic to latex AND strawberries."

Scarecrow, deciding that this conversation was a great distraction, decided to continue it. "So... have you ever met the... mmm...harder... king or the crown prince?"

_"Tsk. We're pages in and still no porn." _

_"Yeah, Jiraiya must be slipping."_

_"Speaking of slipping..."_

"_No. I don't know what you're thinking, but the answer is definitely no."_

_"Are you sure? It could be good..." _

_"How can you leer with all those..bandages?" _

_"It's a gift." _

_"Ah yes, the Hatake clan, known for its canine summoning and bloodline limit leering. I hear you can actually leer enemies into submission. You know, if the Sharingan fails."_

_"Are you being sarcastic? Iruka, sarcastic?" _

_"Of course not." _

_"Liar! You're being sarcastic! And now I just know you're sticking your tongue out at me. I can feel it."_

_"You'll feel more than that-" _

_"I didn't just say that..." _

_"Yes, yes you did." _

_"Shuddup."_

_"Heh. Mmph... What the... Iruka, it is NOT FAIR to hit the invalid with a pillow!" _

_"It is if he's being a... Hey! You're supposed to be resting!" _

_"Fair's fair, if you're going to start a pillow fight."_

_"Truce? No more pillows, and you rest while I read to you. Deal?" _

_"Can I get a kiss, too?" _

_"A kiss?" _

_"I'm a hard negotiator. Hard..." _

_"Kakashi!"_

_"It was worth a shot..."_

_"You... fine."_

_"I love you." _

_"I love you too."_

"I've met the king..." Dolphin admitted, politely neglecting to mention that the old lech had repeatedly tried to grope him. "But never the crown prince... I first came to court after his tragic disappearance. It's such a shame... I'm told he was dashing, accomplished..." Iruka sighed wistfully, lost in romantic imaginings on the mysterious lost prince.

"Don't forget handsome," Scarecrow added, happily melting under the ministrations of Dolphin's skilled fingers. His whole body felt like it was made of jello... grape, if you were wondering... well, okay, one small part of his body wasn't quite so relaxed... and it wasn't a small part, either. Not at all.

"Mmm," Dolphin hummed thoughtfully, "I'm sure he was very handsome. I remember my aunt was always talking about how handsome he was." Knead knead. Knead. Dolphin leaned forward a bit more, chest (shirtless, with his amazing undressing-while-dressing skills) coming into sweet, heavenly contact with Scarecrow's back.

Scarecrow groaned, moaned, and/or whimpered into the pillow as Dolphin's long, slender, and/or tapered fingers kneaded the thick, strong muscles beneath Scarecrow's smooth, pale-as-skim-milk skin. "Nnn...mmm...ggg..." Scarecrow grunted into his pillow, as well as other consonants like "bbb" and "xxx." Ah, the appreciation Scarecrow showed!

Dolphin dug his fingers into one last, stubborn knot in Scarecrow's back, then leaned back, much to the disappointment of Scarecrow. "Did you like it, then?" Dolphin asked, straddling the backs of Scarecrow's thighs. Scarecrow contemplated rolling over, to thank Dolphin properly, then thought again. A certain little...erm, big...problem was having a long, thoughtful conversation with the sheets, and- Well, then. Scarecrow nodded into the pillow again, giving a heartfelt:

"Mmmmmm,"

which could be translated as either "I love you, oh my god, please, let me bear your children," or "I love you, oh my god, please, let me have my mad, wicked way with you at once." Either way, Dolphin wasn't quite fluent in Too-Horny-To-Speak-Ish, so the entire exchange was lost upon him.

"Captain?" Dolphin asked curiously, leaning forward again, sun-kissed skin, warm and smooth, coming in luscious, heaven-blessed contact with Scarecrow's broad, strong back. "Are you alright?" Dolphin asked, lips next to Scarecrow's ear.

Scarecrow turned, and his eye stared deeply into Dolphin's eyes. Dolphin stared back, lips parting ever-so-slightly, moist breath, minty-fresh (because more than anything, Dolphin believed in good dental hygiene), touching Scarecrow's lips. Which may or may not have been beneath a mask. No one's quite sure.

"Captain?" Dolphin asked breathily. Scarecrow swallowed, or maybe he breathed, or maybe he yanked down that mask that may or may not have been there.

"Yes, Dolphin?" he asked in return, voice decidedly husky.

"Captain, my captain," Dolphin murmured back, eyelids drooping over his dark, lust-filled eyes.

"Dolphin," Scarecrow whispered, lips a scant breath from Dolphin's.

"Captain..."

"Dolphin..."

Closer, closer...

"Cap...tain..."

"Marine mammal..."

"Cap-"

"WOOF!"

Dolphin suddenly drew back, turning bright pink in an impressive full-body blush as he realised he'd been about to kiss the handsome pirate captain. How dreadfully forward that would have been! And by full-body, we mean full-body. Scarecrow stared at Dolphin, certainly appreciating the aesthetic reds pouring from Dolphin's cheeks, and Dolphin's chest, and Dolphin's...cheeks. But Scarecrow was still a dread pirate, and he knew what that bark meant. "Land," he said, knowingly.

"Land?" Dolphin asked, scooting back off the bed. Scarecrow watched with moist-eyed disappointment as Dolphin began to dressing again, however undressing-to-get-dressed it was.

"Yes," Scarecrow said, turning his head so he could watch Dolphin, still lying on his...stomach. Yes, his stomach. "Land. We should be reaching --unvt soon."

"Uvnt? The legendarily dangerous pirate town and resort?" Dolphin's eyes widened.

"No, --unvt," Scarecrow corrected.

The town of '--Uvnt' (the -- is silent) has a bloody and plaided past (like a checkered past, only stripe-y-er.). Founded over a hundred years ago by the dregs of humanity, it was originally too poor to even have a name. Enraged by their ill fortune, they soon arranged a looting party to steal a name from the nearest town. Unfortunately for them, the name of the nearest town was 'Unnamed Village Number Three.' Further enraged by their bad luck, they turned to piracy, and made another name (of sorts) for themselves as the town to go to for pirates to pick up crews, unload stolen merchandise, buy the latest in eyepatches and peglegs, and generally act drunken, rowdy, and piratical.

And, of course, for tourism. A few decades ago, some of the market dropped out of piracy as Kingdoms increasingly realised that perhaps sending out treasure-laden ships undefended wasn't such a great idea. Luckily, everyone loves pirates. Well, everyone except the government, the armed forces, the church, merchants... but then there's tourists. And tourists LOVE pirates. At first, things had been a little rough between the groups, in spite of --uvnt's Board of Commerce's best efforts. But now, a few decades later, Pirates had gotten used to occasionally being asked to sign their wanted posters (some of them were secretly rather flattered) and tourists had come to consider the risk of being Shanghai'd onto a ship or being dragged into an alley, robbed, beaten, and then thrown into the sea as part of the 'ambiance' of the town.

Oh, the -- in --uvnt, the one that's silent... originally that was a swear word. The chamber of commerce insisted on the change.

"So… unvt?"

"No, --unvt. The '--' is silent."

"Silent? Wait, what's silent?"

"The '--'. Listen carefully, it's -----oo-ve-nn-t."

"-oo-ve-nn-t."

"No, no. The '--' wasn't long enough. ------oo-ve-nn-t. Try it again." And as Scarecrow watched the graceful lines of Dolphin's neck, the muscles moving under the smooth, golden skin as he attempted to correctly pronounce the name, the dread pirate gained a new appreciation for linguistics.

"--unvt," Dolphin murmured to himself as he worked on buttoning his shirt, which, in his skilled manner, caused his pants to become unzipped. "---unvt? No... -unvt? -unvt..."

Scarecrow watching in amazement as the hapless Dolphin finished buttoning his shirt, then began zipping his pants, causing his shirt to begin slipping from his shoulders while it was still buttoned. Amazing, simply amazing.

"Are you coming, Captain?" Dolphin asked as he tugged at his shirt, pants hanging dangerously low on his sculpted hips.

"Mmmgg," Scarecrow said, which could only be translated as- Well, best not to say in polite company. "Be... be right there."

They eventually got out of the cabin, where the crew and Fishcake (bet you thought we'd forgotten about Fishcake, didn't you?) waited to receive orders. "But why are we going to ...----OOvennt?" Dolphin asked, straining to get the name right.

"We need to stock up on rations and flea collars... maybe even a shovel or two... before we head for the Fourth Fire Shadow's treasure. Also, Fishcake will need to register with the Union of Cabin Boys."

"And ramen!" Fishcake piped up, from somewhere to the side of Dolphin. "We should get some ramen!"

_"Doesn't Fishcake sound familiar?"_

_"Hmm? No, I don't think so..."_

_"Really? I swear, he sounds just like someone I know..."_

_"You must be imagining things."_

_"...what?"_

_"Nothing, nothing. Keep reading?"_

_"Yes, but if you hear any tiny screams, it's the sound of brain cells dying."

* * *

_

AN: Thank you to all our reviewers. You make writing wonderful. OMGSQUEE.

For additional fun, play the HMS drinking game. For every romance novel or bad KakaIru fanfic cliche, take a shot. (Authors are not responsible for any damage to self or property that may occur as a result of this or any other drinking game.)


	4. Chapter 4

Authors: Kiki (Hey-Diddle-Diddle) and WinterOfOurDiscontent

Genre: Humor/Romance

Rating: PG-13/T

Summary: When Kakashi's injured, Iruka reads him his favorite book. Full of not-so-subtle innuendos and cross dressers, with a dash of pirates and ships on the side.

Italics are the conversations between Kakashi and Iruka, by the way.

The authors are not responsible for any pirate lingo which may result from the reading of this fic.

!-!-!

"And ramen!" Fishcake piped up, from somewhere to the side of Dolphin. "We should get some ramen!"

Scarecrow looked down gravely at the young blond. "Actually, Fishcake, you'll need to go register with the Union of Cabin Boys. They're very picky about that sort of thing."

Dolphin glanced at Fishcake, then at Scarecrow. "The cabin boys have a union? What for?"

The pirate captain found Dolphin's naivety strangely endearing. It made him want to teach him everything he knew. Everything. Leer. Wink wink, nudge nudge. "...they're a group of young, nubile males forced to spend months at sea with older men who haven't seen a woman in quite a while." he finally explained.

"Ah, of course. Makes-" Dolphin swallowed. "Makes perfect sense." And he not so subtly positioned himself between Fishcake and the pirate captain. All for Fishcake's safety, of course. "And you? Are you...lonely?"

Scarecrow leered at Dolphin. "With you to keep me company every night, how could I be?" he said, in a low, suggestive voice.

Dolphin stared at Scarecrow's adam's apple, watched it bob up and down. Up. Down. Up- Oh, yes. Cue blushing. Dolphin glanced up at Scarecrow's face, above the mask, and blushed. He then remembered some of the noises Scarecrow made while dreaming, and blushed even brighter. "Well, that's- Umm, that's good, because you wouldn't want to anger the union." Yup. It was all for the good of Fishcake. What a selfless Dolphin.

With the help of the dogs, they managed to safely dock the ship at one of the many public ports.

"Erm... Captain Scarecrow?" Dolphin asked hesitantly, as they made their way into the rough town of --Uvnt. Scarecrow, however, didn't immediately respond, as he was busy muttering "29-B" under his breath in an effort to remember where he'd parked. "Captain Scarecrow?" Dolphin repeated, attaching himself to Scarecrow's arm.

"Twenty-nine... eh? Yes?"

"Captain Scarecrow," Dolphin continued, looked up at Scarecrow from a height difference of an entire 1.23 inches, "where are we going?"

"Well, my crew will take care of the supplies..." Their highly skilled noses and puppy dog eyes made them naturals at bargaining.

Dolphin blinked, nodded, and clung to Scarecrow's sculpted arm as the dread pirate captain steered them around photo groups of pirates and tourists. "Then what are we going to do?"

"Go drinki... err... head to the tavern to hear the latest news."

Dolphin nodded again, amazed at Scarecrow's...amazingness. He just felt so safe with Scarecrow, in spite of the man being a pirate who'd killed off the entire crew of the ship Dolphin had been on... Maybe this was what they called love? As they passed a particularly rough looking group of tourists, he clung even tighter to Scarecrow's arm, shivering slightly in spite of the long, shapeless shirt he was wearing over his usual fishnet and leather pants getup. Captain Scarecrow had somehow miraculously found it before they'd docked, and had insisted Dplphin wear it, lest he get cold. Scarecrow was such a caring captain, and took very good care of his crew, Dolphin decided.

"Here we are," Scarecrow said proudly, standing in front of a seedy tavern.

Dolphin looked up at the sign hanging lopsidedly from a post. "Ye Olde Randomme Taverne...?" he read questioningly. "And we're going to get information here?"

"Of course," Scarecrow said breezily, leading Dolphin into the tavern.

Ye Olde Randome Taverne had originally been Pete's Bar, a slightly downmarket but reasonably clean and well-lit place where piratical types could gather. At least, until the tourism hit, when they'd been forced to remodel. Now it was a dark, smoke-filled pit of a room. It was now a favorite tourist trap, mostly because there was always the chance to sit next to a pirate and, for a small fee extra, to be pillaged/plundered by a pirate, all within the ease and comfort of the bar. And the restrooms were clean, too.

Dolphin looked around thoughtfully, sidestepping a current pillage/plunder deal at Scarecrow's behest. "It's very- Very piratical." Nodnod.

Scarecrow led Dolphin to the bar where an old man was standing, wiping a dirty glass with a dirty rag. "One Keel'haul, rare, and an order of Shiver-me-Timbers." Scarecrow looked at Dolphin, lifting one pale, slender, carefully sculpted eyebrow. "What do you want?"

"Err... water?" Dolphin practically squeaked. "...and maybe an order of mozzarella sticks?"

Scarecrow looked back at the questionable character behind the bar, an old sea dog known as Salty Pete. "Make it a double on everything, and throw in a Salty Sea, too."

"Aye aye, Cap'n," Salty Pete said, scribbling on a piece of raggedy map. "Two Keel'im'deads, two orders of sticks, an' a water!" he bellowed towards the back.

Scarecrow sat and motioned for Dolphin to the do the same. Dolphin scrutinized the barstools doubtfully, then painfully sat on the stool. "This place is...nice," Dolphin said lamely.

"They sell t-shirts," Scarecrow noted helpfully. "And mugs."

"Do they?" Dolphin asked curiously, perking up a bit. "What kind of mugs? Coffee mugs? My last one got broken by Fishcake, and--"

It was while Dolphin was explaining, in great detail, the mishap involving Fishcake, a small aquarium, and Dolphin's unfortunate coffee mug, that the fight began. It went like this: Unbeknownst to Dolphin, but knownst to Scarecrow... who was such an awesome dread pirate captain that he could keep one eye on Dolphin, another on his surroundings, and still only have one visible... There was a terrible incident afoot. A terrible wind abrewing. A terrible fight amustering.

There was, to be frank, a wrong order. And the lack of pickles is entirely too terrible a thing to comprehend.

The Patron was not to be appeased, even when offered a coupon good for twenty percent off his next meal. Nor was he appeased when offered a free Little Schooner's Meal, nor when Salty Pete threw in an extra order of Shiver-me-Timbers. The Patron wasn't even appeased when he got a new hat in the Little Schooner's Meal. Tension in the bar skyrocketed as the other patrons awaited the outcome. The room was silent, except for the occasional sound of a camera flash. Finally, Salty Pete could take no more. Smashing a bottle he kept underneath the bar for just such an occasion, he indicated to The Patron that his presence in the tavernne was no longer welcome.

That was when the storm ran, broke, and finished mustering. In short, The Patron took a swing at Salty Pete, who took a swing back at The Patron, who then took a swing at Tourist #3. So it began.

"And then I told him that of course the fish--" Dolphin was cheerfully saying, waving a mozzeralla stick for emphasis. Scarecrow nodded, one eye still entranced with an eating Dolphin, the other eye watching the fight with growing concern.

Of course, no pirate worth his peg leg will sit out a barfight. So as soon as they'd flipped coins to determine which side they were fighting on, several more tables worth of customers had joined the fray.

One of these patrons (we'll call him Pirate #4) had the misfortune of landing on/breaking the counter Scarecrow and Dolphin were sitting at, making the first casualty of the fight some innocent mozzarella sticks. Dolphin looked down at the destroyed mozzarella sticks, at the gooey cheese sliding sluggishly onto the floor, at the crisp outer shells, broken and trampled. Dolphin looked down at those poor mozzarella sticks, clutching his half-eaten stick in his hand. Alas. He couldn't let their deaths be in vain. Those innocent mozzarella sticks, who had existed only to bring joy and, arguably, some form of sustenance to tavernne goers.

Dolphin let fall his mozzarella stick, standing up from his stool.

"That," he bellowed, in a voice known and feared by a great many Fishcakes the world over, "is it."

A nearby pirate looked at Dolphin, screamed a very rough and rugged "AAARGH!" and punched Dolphin in the face.

!-!-!

Meanwhile, in a less commercial part of town, Fishcake had gotten hopelessly lost. It was while he was wandering around, completely confused, that he ran into a boy of exceeding beauty. Skin pale as snow, long hair black as night, lips red as the red, red rose. Sadly, we do mean "ran into."

Both of them fell to the ground.

The ground was very happy. The boys, less so.

Snow Whi-- We mean, the beautiful boy glared at Fishcake, got to his feet, glared at Fishcake, brushed himself off, and glared at Fishcake some more.

"Hey!" Fishcake said as he got up and, not to be outdone, brushed himself off as well. Only better.

"What do you want?" the boy asked brusquely, in a very brusque manner.

"An apology, to start with. Bastard."

"As though someone with your low intelligence would understand an apology. Idiot."

"Jerkface."

"Loser."

"Asshole."

"...this is a waste of my time." The boy brushed past Fishcake, flipping his hair just so. A bird flew overhead, the wind blew, and somewhere a violin played.

"Hey, you!" Fishcake said, as he was both unwilling to let such an insult go, and had run out of rude things to call the boy. "Since you hit me, make yourself useful and tell me where the hell the cabin boy's union is!"

The boy turned very white, very tragic eyes on Fishcake. "I don't see what the point would be. You'll never succeed, because you're a loser, and you'll always be a loser. It's fate."

It took Fishcake a minute to work the statement, with its multiple clauses, all the way through. But what Fishcake lacked in intelligence, finesse, and tact, he more than made up for in determination and an unholy ability to inhale ramen. Neither of these "gifts" have anything to do with right now, of course, but it's the principle of the thing. So he grabbed the boy's arm, the boy sent him careening through a wall, and to make a long story short, lives were changed. Many lives. The lives of men, women, and children, forever changed, no longer trapped in the vicious cycle of destiny and fate, fate and destiny.

And neither boy's shirt would ever be the same, either. Nor their pants. But, uh, that's a different story, too.

_"How come side characters are getting some action in before the main ones?"_

_"He's probably building up the suspense. He is a genius."_

_"At killing people. Hey... maybe that's what he's trying to do with these stories... they're actually intended as some sort of weapon."_

!-!-!

AN: ./evil cackling/


End file.
